How can boys and girls get to know each other before marriage?

If matchmaking is done correctly and the various stages are completed, it is possible to get ‎to know someone to a certain degree. Of course, it is not possible to get to know someone ‎by talking in only one meeting.‎

News ID: 450409

Date: 13 July 2020 - 02:16

RNA – How must a girl and a boy get to know each other in terms of morals and ‎behaviour? ‎

A premarital relationship is forbidden (and I agree that it is forbidden). If we go to a one ‎matchmaking meeting, it may be a pretense and we cannot truly get to know each other’s ‎morals after one meeting and if the number of meetings continues, it creates a sense of ‎attachment (especially in girls). I’ve seen this happen to a lot of wonderful people. Morality ‎is the most important part of marriage after being cold-tempered or hot-tempered, and if ‎the morality of both people wasn’t agreed upon, many problems would occur.‎

If the matchmaking is done correctly and the various stages are completed, it is possible to ‎get to know someone to a great extent. Of course, it is not enough to have enough ‎knowledge about someone after one meeting of speaking but it requires several meetings. ‎Of course, you must ask the most important and key questions in the first meeting and ‎listen to the answers. Then after the meeting, you have to think about them. If there is no ‎suitability, the matchmaking must be stopped. If the answer to the key questions indicates ‎consensus, a second meeting will be scheduled. Do the same for other meetings. Therefore, ‎if the girl and the boy know what to say in the first matchmaking meeting, they will get a ‎general conclusion during the same matchmaking meeting. If the result of the first meeting is ‎positive, it means that they agree on generalities and important issues and they can think ‎about other meetings.‎

Perhaps the people you have seen their dependence and attachment to have not acted on ‎the precise matchmaking. That is, instead of trying to get to know each other’s spirits in the ‎matchmaking meeting, they subconsciously establish an emotional relationship with each ‎other and move away from the main issues. Then, in the fourth session, for example, they ‎realize something that eliminates the whole issue. Here, if they were careful, they might have ‎dismissed the first session and the work did not lead to attachment.‎

Therefore, the number of matchmaking meetings (meaning that the girl and the boy talk to ‎each other) must be more than once and maybe three or four meetings are good. Meetings ‎should be managed. That is, in the first session, more important issues are discussed, and if ‎agreed, the second session with less important issues, and then, if agreed, the third session, ‎and so on.‎

It is necessary to talk to the girl and the boy, but it is not enough, but there must be ‎research about the other party and his and her families, on such as issues such as parental ‎relations, place of work and education, selected friends, the status of married members with ‎their spouses. It will be very useful. Thus, direct communication does not always give a ‎complete knowledge of human beings, but detailed local research of people, even if not ‎relatives, in the place of living and studying, etc., will be very helpful.‎

In matchmaking, family members must be helped to get to know the other person and his ‎or her family better. Older people can help a lot here, and because they have more ‎experience, their discernment is more reliable.‎

Having a hot or cold temperament can be a problem for a girl and a boy if there is are large ‎differences between the two but usually, people in this field are moderate. It is better to not ‎discuss it during the first meeting. Meanwhile, many girls and boys think that they are cold or ‎hot-tempered if their discernment is incorrect because a high libido when single is not the ‎cause of hot-temperament. Likewise, low libido in a single person is not the cause of a cold ‎temperament. ‎

Try to observe more important issues in the first meeting to gain a general understanding. ‎Issues such as beliefs, intellectual independence, social communication, employment, family ‎communication, political and social activities, etc. If the result of your knowledge in the first ‎meeting was positive, you can arrange future meetings and hope for this connection.‎

Depending on your age, you may have little experience and knowledge of the criteria for ‎choosing a spouse. You need to get help from adults and knowledgeable people. You can ‎also get help from counselling centres that, with a few meetings with the presence of the ‎boy and the girl, determine the agreement or disagreement of the parties.‎

The distance between the time of acquaintance and the time of the religious marriage ‎contract must be slightly increased. Until the shari’ah contract is read, the proposal can be ‎broken. Of course, not for imaginary and useless reasons, but if there truly was a problem.‎

For information on the correct criteria for choosing a spouse, read the book “Youth and ‎Spouse Selection” by Professor Ali-Akbar Mazaheri and the book “Petals of Life” by ‎Professor Hoseyn Dehnavi.‎

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